Along the way, I lost a part of me.
A sweet soul, a shoulder to cry on, a friend to all is who I was,
But being that way I was getting used, stepped on and on and on
I let her go with a hardened heart,
and
gave the new me life through selfishness.
I thought this was who I wanted to be and clung so dearly to her.
I thought I was tough, a hardened bitch.
That's who I was going to be.
No one could hurt me,
my tears, they would not fall.
I could no longer pray.
It seems I had turned my back on myself that day.
Lonely and dark with a hard, hard heart,
no one would hurt me again.
A few months later I felt a spark.
The beginnings of a new life,
of that I was a part.
As he started to grow, inside of me
That hardened bitch, I could no longer be.
I was told from an early age, a child my body would never contain.
But when it did, I was never the same,
I got down on my knees and said His name,
"Thank you my God for this precious gift. I promise to mend my ways."
I made amends, reached out my hand~ The bitch was left behind.
My family, my friends said, "We've missed YOU. So glad you're back to stay."
A blessing, a miracle, a gift from God,
A child that was all my own.
Through him and HIM, I found myself~ I will never be alone.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Success~ Week 2, GBE 2
Ah, success. What a tricky little word that is, success. Here is a definition;
suc·cess : (s
k-s
s
)
Am I where I thought I'd be at this point in my life? In all honesty, no I am not. But does that make me a failure? Not in the least. I am a better person for every road I have gone down. Hopefully every bump that I have hit helps me to be a successful parent. For the past seventeen years that has been my number one goal.
Years ago, when my boy Nate decided it was time he flew the coop, we had a talk before he left. I had always tried to let him know, without any doubts, that I loved him just as much as his brother and sister, even though I did not give birth to him. I knew I was successful when he said to me, "I don't know where I'd be without you. You are my mom."
Miranda shared a story with me when she came home from school one day. That morning as she passed a friend's house on the way to the bus she could hear the child's mother screaming at her friend, and thought, "How lucky am I? Every morning before I leave for school my mom tells me she loves me."
For her to have that thought was an eye opener. It made me realize that through all of our struggles one thing remains clear, my children will never have any doubts about how much I value them.
As some of you know, Trenton has had a very sick year. He has missed 47 days of school. In the past three weeks he has brought all of his grades up to one D and the rest are Cs or better. He only has to go to summer school for two weeks to make up some quizzes he has missed, and take one semester extra gym next year. He has over come so much in such a short time to get where he is now. That, my friends, is a true success story. But what tickles me the most about this boy, is at least once a day he still comes up to me and says, "Hug?"
Monetary success would be nice. So would having that Phd I dreamed of before my world came crashing down around me at 23. But since that is not my reality, I take great pleasure in all of my little successes.
Like waking up every morning, that means I successfully made it through the night.
Being able to still use my legs without having surgery on my back, which means I have successfully proven the orthopedic surgeon wrong for almost twenty years. I know one day I will have to have it, but that day is not today. Like I said, I take pleasure in my little successes : )
Having my children hug me, friends who have my back, and a husband who actually likes to be around our children and me~ Well now, that sounds like a pretty good success story as far as I'm concerned.
Being successful is not something I can own on my own. I did not get where I am by myself, and to take all of the credit for it would be shameful.
I have been blessed by my creator, whom I refer to as God, with wonderful parents, wonderful friends, and an amazing husband and children. I have a HUGE family that is rolled into those blessings as well.
So, while I may not be exactly where I once thought I should be at this point in my life, where I am is a success.
suc·cess : (s
k-ss)n.
First I thought about how does one measure one's success, and how would I measure mine?1. The achievement of something desired, planned, or attempted: attributed their success in business to hard work.
2.
a. The gaining of fame or prosperity: an artist spoiled by success.
b. The extent of such gain.
3. One that is successful: The plan was a success.
4. Obsolete A result or an outcome.
Am I where I thought I'd be at this point in my life? In all honesty, no I am not. But does that make me a failure? Not in the least. I am a better person for every road I have gone down. Hopefully every bump that I have hit helps me to be a successful parent. For the past seventeen years that has been my number one goal.
Years ago, when my boy Nate decided it was time he flew the coop, we had a talk before he left. I had always tried to let him know, without any doubts, that I loved him just as much as his brother and sister, even though I did not give birth to him. I knew I was successful when he said to me, "I don't know where I'd be without you. You are my mom."
Miranda shared a story with me when she came home from school one day. That morning as she passed a friend's house on the way to the bus she could hear the child's mother screaming at her friend, and thought, "How lucky am I? Every morning before I leave for school my mom tells me she loves me."
For her to have that thought was an eye opener. It made me realize that through all of our struggles one thing remains clear, my children will never have any doubts about how much I value them.
As some of you know, Trenton has had a very sick year. He has missed 47 days of school. In the past three weeks he has brought all of his grades up to one D and the rest are Cs or better. He only has to go to summer school for two weeks to make up some quizzes he has missed, and take one semester extra gym next year. He has over come so much in such a short time to get where he is now. That, my friends, is a true success story. But what tickles me the most about this boy, is at least once a day he still comes up to me and says, "Hug?"
Monetary success would be nice. So would having that Phd I dreamed of before my world came crashing down around me at 23. But since that is not my reality, I take great pleasure in all of my little successes.
Like waking up every morning, that means I successfully made it through the night.
Being able to still use my legs without having surgery on my back, which means I have successfully proven the orthopedic surgeon wrong for almost twenty years. I know one day I will have to have it, but that day is not today. Like I said, I take pleasure in my little successes : )
Having my children hug me, friends who have my back, and a husband who actually likes to be around our children and me~ Well now, that sounds like a pretty good success story as far as I'm concerned.
Being successful is not something I can own on my own. I did not get where I am by myself, and to take all of the credit for it would be shameful.
I have been blessed by my creator, whom I refer to as God, with wonderful parents, wonderful friends, and an amazing husband and children. I have a HUGE family that is rolled into those blessings as well.
So, while I may not be exactly where I once thought I should be at this point in my life, where I am is a success.
Monday, May 23, 2011
GBE 2~ Expectations
GBE 2~ It's great to be back!
Just a little bit on me, I am mushy, lovey, huggy person. I write from the heart. Sometimes going in directions that not even I, expected to go.
So, please join me on a little ride.
Are you ready? Come take my hand and let's take a little trip inside my brain. I promise not to bite.... At least not too hard : )
~Expectations~
Can expectations be inherent? I believe so. I believe we are born with certain expectations. One being the expectation of being nurtured.
From those first lusty cries to be fed, changed, held, loved, comforted, we are expecting someone to meet our needs.
In most cases our expectations are met, for some, sadly, their parental units fail to meet those needs.
Our expectations dictate our lives. I find myself saying to my children, "I expect this or that of you." While I try not to over burden them with unreasonable expectations, for example, getting straight A's~ that perfect 4.0, on their report card. However, I do encourage them to do their best. And while doing their best, if they fall short of that 4.0, that is okay by me.
I try to be a good mom and wife. While my housekeeping abilities fall short of my husband's expectations, and my mommy actions sometimes fall short of what my children are expecting from me, I know my husband, and my children, love me unconditionally.
I think my biggest expectation is unconditional love. I give it freely, to my family and friends, with hopes that it will come back to me. That is why I am such a fan of saying, "I love you." And saying it often.
I don't want my family and friends to ever think my feelings are any less than those words convey.
When I say those words, they are not just words to me. I feel them, that love from my heart, the very center of my being. Once you have made a home there, I will never kick you out.
Even if I am not liking someone's actions, and believe them to be placing expectations on me that I cannot meet, I do not hold their anger towards me against them.
Without unconditional love for ourselves, we are nothing but empty vessels. Always looking for, or expecting, someone, or something to fill that void.
Just a little bit on me, I am mushy, lovey, huggy person. I write from the heart. Sometimes going in directions that not even I, expected to go.
So, please join me on a little ride.
Are you ready? Come take my hand and let's take a little trip inside my brain. I promise not to bite.... At least not too hard : )
~Expectations~
Can expectations be inherent? I believe so. I believe we are born with certain expectations. One being the expectation of being nurtured.
From those first lusty cries to be fed, changed, held, loved, comforted, we are expecting someone to meet our needs.
In most cases our expectations are met, for some, sadly, their parental units fail to meet those needs.
Our expectations dictate our lives. I find myself saying to my children, "I expect this or that of you." While I try not to over burden them with unreasonable expectations, for example, getting straight A's~ that perfect 4.0, on their report card. However, I do encourage them to do their best. And while doing their best, if they fall short of that 4.0, that is okay by me.
I try to be a good mom and wife. While my housekeeping abilities fall short of my husband's expectations, and my mommy actions sometimes fall short of what my children are expecting from me, I know my husband, and my children, love me unconditionally.
I think my biggest expectation is unconditional love. I give it freely, to my family and friends, with hopes that it will come back to me. That is why I am such a fan of saying, "I love you." And saying it often.
I don't want my family and friends to ever think my feelings are any less than those words convey.
When I say those words, they are not just words to me. I feel them, that love from my heart, the very center of my being. Once you have made a home there, I will never kick you out.
Even if I am not liking someone's actions, and believe them to be placing expectations on me that I cannot meet, I do not hold their anger towards me against them.
Without unconditional love for ourselves, we are nothing but empty vessels. Always looking for, or expecting, someone, or something to fill that void.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Baby Steps towards GBE 2
Okay, here I am! GBE 2, I'm jazzed!!!
I'm jumping in with both feet...Well, maybe jumping in....Okay, kind of tip toeing in.
I was an active blogger over on My Spazz, but have been in a slump for a bit, so I am going to edge my way back in with the help of many wonderful friends.
I have not decorated my page, or spruced anything up. This is all pretty new to me.
I have not figured out how to have another person's blog page linked with mine. If there are any linked, I did it purely by accident. Looking at the preview, I see a button that says, "Follow". I bet that means if I click it while reading another's blog we will be linked : )
See, I'm already learning something. That wasn't so painful. At least I'm up to my ankles now. At this rate, I'll be swimming in no time! YAY!!!
Please do not be put off by my horrible grammar, atrocious spelling, lack of punctuation skills and over use of certain punctuation marks.
I'm jumping in with both feet...Well, maybe jumping in....Okay, kind of tip toeing in.
I was an active blogger over on My Spazz, but have been in a slump for a bit, so I am going to edge my way back in with the help of many wonderful friends.
I have not decorated my page, or spruced anything up. This is all pretty new to me.
I have not figured out how to have another person's blog page linked with mine. If there are any linked, I did it purely by accident. Looking at the preview, I see a button that says, "Follow". I bet that means if I click it while reading another's blog we will be linked : )
See, I'm already learning something. That wasn't so painful. At least I'm up to my ankles now. At this rate, I'll be swimming in no time! YAY!!!
Please do not be put off by my horrible grammar, atrocious spelling, lack of punctuation skills and over use of certain punctuation marks.
So, any helpful hints are appreciated, welcome and wanted.
I hope you all have a most blessed week : )
I hope you all have a most blessed week : )
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